Distracted by my own thoughts

I was distracted by own thoughts in school just now. Thinking whether or not to meet who or whoever or whatnot, but then.. I managed to give out a white lie so I could meet my usuals. But then I feel like I was wrong, I did wrong. I felt a bit of guilty, but then.. I think I did right at the same time either.

Whatever.

Whenever I stopped to think about my situation, I thought to myself, did I waver too much? Did I waste too much time on things I shouldn't back then? And what about now? Am I wasting my time on things I shouldn't too eventhough I know it is wrong? I am definitely not going through a relapse right now, but then.. I feel like as though I am pushing myself too hard on this. Pushing myself too hard to achieve what I want. But.. why is it that I could not reach to the top?

It seems like my hand can't reach. My toes can't help me up. I have no strength. My stamina is just halfway. I'm now halfway through. Reconsidering, whether should I continue to work hard like this? Or to slow down a bit. I feel like as though pushing and trying to force myself is not the right thing to do, because that will make me make a lot of mistakes. But, what if I try to maintain and work hard, keep it going? Will I achieve it?

I can't just sit and wonder no more. I have to really, push myself. But.. I can't breathe. I can't take it anymore. I've never pushed myself this hard before, and when I do, I feel tired, lazy to continue. But then, I suppose when people see it, I am not pushing hard enough. They might need me to pace faster, but then, this is the only way.. The only way that I did back then. But it was not enough. So were they right?

I can't continue to keep up the last minute works. I need to start now. Right now. But the problem is that, I have already started, but then I do not know what is wrong.

God, give me the energy to keep me going. God, show me the right path. God, show me the light. I know you can help me. I ask a favour from you, God. Please..